BREAKING NEWS: After a recent investigation, the Newman Navigator has come to the conclusion that the urinals in the first floor Lemle boys’ bathrooms are, in fact, way too close together.

“This is insane.” Said senior Thomas Darragh. “Every time I go in there to pee, I get so self-conscious. What if someone else comes in? Will they stand right next to me? Will they be embarrassed and use the stall?”

This problem has been very apparent for many Newman boys with aching bladders, and it has even begun to change the bathroom routines of some.

“Now, I just sit down to pee. But sometimes, when it gets to that point where I’ve already taken off all my clothes and I’m fully naked in the stall – you know, shoes, socks and all – I just poo anyway,” said Darragh.

The investigation finally came to a close this week, after months of thorough review by the Navigator Investigative Team.

“Yeah, so basically, we went in there with measuring tape and all, you know, trying to see if it was really true.” Said Tabor Brewster, head investigator. “At first, everything came up with no leads – there was nothing to compare the results to or anything like that. So we had to change our testing methods. My next plan was to wait in the bathroom until someone came into pee and then stand at the urinal right next to them and force myself to urinate. I had plenty of water bottles on hand so that was covered. While we were both peeing, I would look at them in the eyes and ask if they were uncomfortable. Fifteen out of sixteen said yes, and we concluded that the urinals, are, in fact, way too close together.”

The Navigator reached out to this sixteenth person but they declined to comment.

Though the report has been conclusive, the question remains: how does the Newman community handle this issue of urinal proximity?

“I think they should maybe get rid of one and put like a water fountain or something.” Said one anonymous student. “That way people don’t have to pee right next to each other anymore.”

Suggestions aside, it is now the sacred duty of the Newman administration to handle the students’ pee issues. Let the pee debate ensue, and let the student voices be heard. Let their golden streams echo through the halls of this great institution. And let those streams have a home to comfortably land.