Editor’s Note: This article was not sponsored or approved by Digiorno Pizza in any way (unfortunately).  All product mention is intended to be construed as genuine advice until The Navigator can get some Buzzfeed-style native advertising contracts. 

If you have any questions that need answering, send them to [email protected].

Dear Imelda,

I really want to order food for delivery, but am worried that the deliveries are still banned.  What should I do?  If I make sure to order my food while standing under an authorized gate is that acceptable?

Lukewarm Regards,

Hungry and Confused

My Dearest Hungry,

Unfortunately for both the student body and the Domino’s on Freret Street, the Great Delivery Embargo of 2016 continues to this day.  While I’m quite sure that the Newman administration would appreciate the novel idea of conducting all food ordering under authorized gates, this could be problematic as it could allow someone to slip past your gaze while your attention is diverted to the ordering of your food.  Although I am quite powerless over the repeal of Newman’s outside food prohibition, I do have a few tips to make the most of our current food options:

1. Digiorno – While it is admittedly not delivery, Digiorno is a great option for those students who want the thrill of eating an entire pizza with the added benefit of needing an oven and an entire lunch period just to cook it.  Digiorno pizza is my number 1 recommendation because it allows you to enjoy a “high quality” meal and make new friends in the cafeteria by monopolizing one of the 4 panini presses for an entire hour.
2. Walk out of the gate and back in with your plate from Sage – While I am sure that there are a few rare students who turn to delivery food for its “taste” or “quality,” I would guess that about 99% of the student body  prefers the option of delivery because it offers the allure of being brought onto campus rather than spending its entire time within the confines of Isidore Newman School.  For those seeking this experience, I would recommend obtaining a plate of food from Sage, walking  out the front door with said plate, and then  immediately returning to school grounds to enjoy your now drastically improved food.  For those seeking the thrill of off-campus food that you must pay for, I would highly recommend paying a friend to complete the previously mentioned process for you.
3. Have all food flown into school via Predator drone – While this option is a tad bit pricier at about $4.03 million, it is by far worth every penny. The Newman administration’s main objection of food delivery is not the food itself, but the delivery person.  This problem can be easily solved by purchasing a military grade unmanned MQ-1 predator drone to deliver your favorite foods to you every day.*

I sincerely hope that these humble tips are helpful and manage to solve all of your food delivery questions.

Fondest Regards,

Imelda

*Author’s note: At this point in the article, some readers might wonder “Couldn’t I just bring my food to school rather than have it delivered by a $4 million classified military drone?” or “Could I use the new MQ-9 Reaper rather than the Predator drone?” These questions are utterly ridiculous.  1) simply bringing your food to school completely defeats the purpose  and 2) the predator drone was proven much more effective at covert food delivery in recent CIA tests, so your premise is preposterous.